[ENG] I am not who I was some 30 days ago

I am not who I was 30 days ago.

 

I can’t say I went down the road of hell or that my world came crumbling down;

 

Maybe it’s just that the things I worry about most happened.

 

And apart from that,

the rest was fine, fine.

 

So I powered through

Wondering how to navigate such news

 

And once it was over

Here I am.

 

These days I like to take refuge in reading others rather than writing about it.

I don’t sleep better at night but I can rest during my days.

When it becomes unbearable I talk on the phone.

But after a few weeks, I stopped talking

My voice became tired and I felt like I could no longer repeat myself

Trying to process

And here I am (writing without writing)

I am not who I was some 30 days ago

I am not bitter, sad or special

At worst I am shocked

At neutral I am stuck

At best I have lived

(lived through)

In retrospect, I may find that I have changed

When time speaks again

 

(I have gained a more beautiful home

A stronger relationship

Old friends are closer, and new friends

I have lost

A sense of family

Someone or something

A tad of innocent carelessness

And ain’t it the way life goes

On and about)

 

I am not who I was 30 days ago.

I can’t say I miss her either, that I don’t

 

 

- Christelle Saint-Julien

Illustration: Mackenzie Teek

 

 

 

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